Dream Like Day
by Problematicslove
Summary: Post-Winter Soldier. Contains potential spoilers. Steve and Bucky try to reach out to each other.


**I just always wanted to write about how Steve will ever find Bucky, but I also think that Bucky will try to too. Enjoy~ :)**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own anything.**

* * *

This is not good... This is so not good... I just hope that that guy isn't here... I walked through the dim-lighted and silent corridor like a ghost, trying not to make any suspicious sounds. It was already midnight until my mind could decide if I should really come here or not... But then I decided I shouldn't. Then what the heck I was doing here?!

... But... I was here already. I shouldn't be, but here I am... I need to... find a place... But not here... Stop it! I am not here to get his help or something... I am here... To find out more about myself... I need to find more about myself or... maybe I shouldn't. I can't go back... To being that guy... Even if I was that guy before growing... no, reducing myself into just a weapon, but... I can't. I am not that guy anymore. I can't be that guy anymore... I shouldn't be that guy anymore.

That's not me... He had his own exhibit in that museum, as a honored soldier... He was displayed there with such dignity and honor... I am a weapon, an asset... I am not even a human being anymore... I saw him in tha-that black and white tape at that museum... He was a human being, a humane one at that... He had such twinkle in his eyes... My eyes... They are soulless, they are... Dark... That guy, he was smiling... I can't smile!... I can't... He was looking so... happy... I don't even know how it feels to be happy... is it okay or good or like, really great...? And the guy he was smiling and laughing with... Just a few months ago, I was at his throat... trying to kill him...

At that time at museum, I didn't come to know when my eyes started following and got focused on... him. He's called Captain... Captain America. I don't even know his real name... He was looking at that guy in the tape, who looked like me, with such content and pleasant expressions... They were laughing about something or someone... together... Even though they looked like they have just returned from some mission... They looked so... peaceful.

...Why?!

My mind jumped itself into chaos while I was walking through probably most soundless building in the whole world. I climbed up stairs rather than using the elevator... It was just too risky... I might have run into him... Though it can happen even now... I climbed up carefully and sneaked a look from the corner, to see if anyone was there. There was another apartment I guess, on my side of the wall whereas his apartment's door was straight at the end of corridor.

I walked near the door and stopped for a minute to listen if anyone was in there. I was just... Terrified by the thought of facing him again, but maybe, right now... He might be only one who knows me... Even though that part that he knows is forgotten... The thought that he is the only one who knows me and he knows something that even I don't, about myself... throws me into frenzy.

* * *

Bucky...? Where are you...? I lost... you... I lost you back then... I should have searched for you in that death-frozen hell like valley, but... I didn't. I was just shocked too much by your fall and I wasn't sure what will be left of you there... I was scared... And scarred. I am scarred... I have never recovered from that shock, buddy. And now that you are here, when I have given another chance, I am going to find you... Even if you don't want to be, but I am going to save you. Just come in front of me... Just come out of this crowd of people... Of people you are not... The person you are not... The asset you are not... The thing you are not... You are Bucky! You are James Buchanan Barnes! You are my best friend! You are _my Buck_! Oh, hey, there you are...! I can see you through the crowd of this street... and... You are walking towards me...! There's... There's that smile... You must have remembered me... Finally...! Oh, thank god! Thank goodness Bucky... No... Wait... What is this cold... breeze?... Ouch, its piercing... And this noise... Like a train makes... Am I on a train...?! Where are you, Bucky-! You are hanging on the- You are falling! No! Buck! Take my hand! Hold onto that rod and take my hand! God, please help me this time! Bucky! No, wait, the handle... Its... No! Bucky! No! BUCKY!...

"NO!"

A loud shriek filled the room. It was... my own. I was sitting in a bed... All sweaty and tensed up. My heart was pumping at greater speed than it ever had and my eyes were probably wide opened too. I couldn't feel anything, physically or... emotionally until thud-ing sound of my heart subsided.

"It was just a dream... again..."

It has been happening for the last two months, since... He came back once again and went missing... Again. I had started talking to myself in sleep, seeing him in my dreams and sometimes even dream about... That day when he fell down. I try to save him, even though sometimes I know its just a dream... But I could never stop myself... But I couldn't even save him so. He falls down in the valley every single time... I watch him fall every single time... I have to watch him die every time... every freaking single time... I fail every time... No... No! If I had not have failed that time, I would not have to go through all this right now... He wouldn't have had to go through what he's been until now... Its all my fault... All my... Fault...

"-gers... Rogers... Steve!"

"!" I felt someone's hands on my back shaking me while probably that same person's voice passed through my ears. I realized... I had my head deep buried in my knees by now and my hands were covering up my face. I was... Crying?

"Are you alright?" Those hands shook my whole body again and the same voice fell on my ears. I looked up, even though I felt something wet on my cheeks. It was Sam... Of course its him. Who else can it be when I am living in his house?

"Steve, you're... crying." His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes showed the obvious concern. I wiped the wetness right out when I realized how big of deal it could make. Though it wasn't. Probably.

"I heard your scream so..." It wasn't new to him as well. It happened every other night... Every other night because I couldn't even sleep at most of the nights. I would just sit, thinking of what I can do next day or where can find him or who can I ask about it... I would just sit and think, sometimes pace here and there or even go on a run at middle of the night until exhaustion would make me fall asleep or... Even faint sometimes.

I didn't want to even sleep tonight, Sam made me. I was planning to go by apartment in midnight to see if he would have come by or something. 'Cause its the place we both know about. There are many chances that he would come there, so I refused to move from there but it still needed some fixing so Sam made me move in his house for some days... Also because he probably thought that I would go on to find him by myself if he left me alone. Though he was right. I didn't want to drag him in all this mess but... He wanted to get dragged so I couldn't oppose him for long.

I removed all the sheets and stood up in hurry. I didn't even hear what Sam was saying, probably my brain didn't want to register it. I just wanted to go at my apartment ans see if he's there. I went directly towards my luggage and luckily as I was still wearing a jean and t-shirt, I just had to get a jacket. I wore it and looked around to find my cap. It was lying near bed. I went there every single day, even for at least a minute, because I knew he had to come there someday. Because if he remembers me, he'll try to contact me or even if he still doesn't, he must be confused and in that confusion, he'll try to find out more about me and visit there. I went near the bed and bent down to pick cap up... but someone picked it up before. It was... Sam. Right. He was still there.

"Look, if you wanna go man, you can... But promise me, you-"

"Yeees, I'll return until 7 am or something."

"Or something?"

"Okay, fiiine! 7'o clock fixed!" I wore the cap as I promised hurriedly and irritatingly. Sam just looked at intensely me for a moment.

"What?" I knew he was going to ask to come with me. But he stared at me another moment long and then exhaled a sigh, a big one.

"Just..." He said while grabbing onto my shoulder, "Take care..." He smiled a bit sadly.

He was definitely concerned... For both of me and Bucky. "Yes... I will."

I removed his hand from my shoulder and hugged him tightly. Maybe it was sudden but it was necessary. I wanted to go on this path alone, all by myself and I thought I won't need a support, a... partner. But I needed it, badly. I thought I could handle myself well, but I was wrong. Sam took care of me... I mean, he literally took care of me. When I would loose myself in this search, all my soul and mind, and forget about hunger or thirst or even sleep... He would just grab me and pull me back into my body. He would convince, beg, blackmail, which was sometimes really hilarious because he can't really do it right, or sometimes, even get angry and yell until his head would explode and would make me do these things like taking rest or eating before I can even threaten to get fatigued. If he wasn't here, if he wouldn't have agreed to be my stone... I don't know where I would have been right now.

"I will. Don't worry." I patted his back as I felt him hugging me back.

"Okay, okay," Sam patted me back, "Now go and give him his love, not me, or he'll go in mad rage and I'll get killed!"

I chuckled as I broke the hug and saw that he was grinning too.

"Sure."

* * *

Deciding if to go in or not... Its making me crazy... No... Now, I just want to get wiped and go back into Cryo... Maybe he'll take me in that lab? I should ask him... But for that, I need to go inside... I only have two choices... Either run from him forever or ask him to take me back to the lab... Or what if tries to kill me...? But he didn't that day... But I don't have any other choice... My Bionic arm is completely damaged, even my clothes are dirty and soaked... I need help, but... Will he really help me... Or rather, am I going to get killed?! What if all this is just a trap to finish me off...? I should just commit a suicide in that case... But I should first ask him to take me back to Cryo... I just want this hunt for me to stop... I'd ask him to help me get to those scientists... And if he doesn't, I would just ask him to kill me or I'll do it myself... Yes! This is it then!...

I took a couple of steps back and slightly bumped into the wall there. I decided to sit down so I just slid down. It was weary and cold, so I just pulled my legs to my chest and hugged then with my hands. I needed Cryo before, but right then, I think I needed a warmth... Probably to help me keep fighting. Because this fight was different... I probably need coldness for a physical battle, but this one is... Emotional, I guess?... Oh, so I need warmth and I have... Emotions now...This is new for a weapon... This is all because of him... That guy! This is all his fault!

Then... So, right... I am going to face him today... I need to make myself ready... I should just... Wait here... I know he comes by here, at least once a day so... I might have plenty of time to ready myself because he always comes after the sunrise... Why... Why do I even know these things... I was watching him for some days... But that was for protecting myself from... Him... Right...? Am I really... Do I really... What am I doing here again...? I should not be here... Crap, he's going to find me here...! I can not be here...! Someone will see me or he might even come... Right now...

I am hearing footsteps... Someone's coming up... I need to stand up and move from here... Those footsteps's sounds are coming closer... Need to stand up... Crap, my hand... My left hand's not working... My legs... Just work for this once! Ahh...! I am... Feeling so weak suddenly...! No, those footsteps... Someone's here... That person's here already... He's just a step away...

"!"

* * *

"!"

He's here...

He's here... Sitting at the door...

What... Should I do...? I never thought he might be here, just tonight! What am I supposed to do now?! I wasn't even prepared for this!

But... It looks like even he wasn't anticipating this... He also looks as shocked as me. But... He's looking straight in my eyes now... Unlike before! Maybe he remembers me finally? Does he... Actually remembers me...? Yes, looks like it!

"Bucky...?"I took a step forward but suddenly he flinched. He broke the eye contact and he suddenly turned his head down... Looks like he still doesn't remember me...

But I got overwhelmed... All these years... Those fights... These two months... All suddenly came crashing down on me. How can he remember me so easily? Its been more than seventy years, more than at least a two dozen assassinations, more than at least a two dozen brainwashes... More than just a fall... I was nowhere in it... I was nowhere in them... I am nowhere... In his head... In his memories... He doesn't remember the times we spent together... When he saved me from bullies, those moments we went on double dates... Those times when we saved each other... In wars, in battles... In both physical and emotional... I still do, so clearly... But he doesn't... Even if he still remembered even a single one of it, it would have been okay... But he doesn't.

I felt like a droplet went running down my cheek. I touched my cheek and it was wet... I was crying again. Goddamn it! I need to be strong for Buck and here I am... Weeping like a child...

Even Bucky was looking at me weirdly... He must be thinking like, what a weirdo this guy is, even after fighting so brutally all this time... This guy can't even fight his tears... Haha!

But... I need to take him back with me... I need to say something... He already looks freaked out... If he does any more then I'll freak out... Then It will be a mess... Just say something... Anything...!

"... Look, just, let's calm down first..." I wiped out my tears and decided to slowly sit down with him. I leaned a bit but he flinched again.

"Okay... Okay. Look, I just sitting right here, I won't come near." I insured him of his safety. He must have freaked out seeing me here at this time. He looked up at me. His look broke my heart. His eyes looked at me blankly, but his face said otherwise. He didn't trust me even a bit. He looked terrified and ready to attack at the same time. My eyes were ready to rain again, but I somehow managed to hold it in.

"Look, Bucky," Another flinch. Maybe I just shouldn't call him that...

"Okay, I won't call you that, alright?" I think he nodded slightly, but I wasn't really sure.

"Just hear me out first, okay? Then you can decide what you want to do." This time, the nod came on pretty strong.

"You are actually, I know this is going to sound pretty weird, one of my Howl-"

"Howling commandos during WW2... I know that..."

"So, you know that your real name is..." I didn't really know if I should call him James also so I let him have his space.

"...Yes." But he was still looking down. I became anxious after his reply. I shouldn't have.

"So... You should know, that I want you to come with me."

"Can you take me to Cryo?"

* * *

He looked taken aback when I asked that. Maybe I shouldn't have.

"Sorry, but... You really want to go back to Cryo?"

I pulled my legs closer. I wanted to nod, but I didn't. Maybe he really won't kill me after all... after... all... really? Is this what I am expecting from him...? And also... do I really want to live after... all this...? Do I really want to be saved... Really... what kind of a person am I... No, again wrong... I am a weapon.

"...No, I changed my mind." He leaned in a bit and his eyes showed a little more curiosity after what I said just then.

"So, what do you want me to do...?"

"I want you to... kill me. Can you do that?"

I swear I said what I was feeling right then but it must have sounded really cruel. He totally freaked out after that.

"What?!"

"... I want you t-"

"I got that!" His voice really is loud. He was suddenly screaming and shouting... at me. I didn't know what to do after that. Whatever happened, it wasn't my fault, I swear... It was his fault! "You want me to kill you?!"

"Don't yell at me!" I stumbled backwards. It was beyond my control! He started yelling out of nowhere and it freaked the heck out of me. I covered my ears with my hands and went into a fatal position. I suddenly couldn't breathe; I had lost all the rule over my heartbeat. I needed some space... And he seemed to understand that. He drew back. He sat down again though he was halfway to standing when he had started yelling. He just sat there and I also didn't move... I don't know for how long.

I didn't want to say anything but that awkward silence started killing me inside. I felt an unbearable amount of pain in middle of my heart, like someone had stabbed me there and was now pulling out the knife really slowly. But I didn't know what that was. Maybe... it was because of anxiety and the all emotional burden this guy was suddenly throwing at me.

I don't know what he was thinking but he suddenly started blabbering.

"My real name is Steve by the way... Steve Rogers."

I didn't say anything and I didn't even know that name.

"I don't really know what to tell you at this moment that you would believe me but... Whatever has happened to you,I take all responsibility of it... It was my fault. I should tried to find you in that valley but I was afraid to see your body lying lifeless there... So I just didn't. I am really sorry for that."

Even though earlier I blamed him for everything, right at the moment when he admitted finally, I understood that this guy is something. I understood that right now, if I try to kill him, he won't even budge but he also wouldn't attack me back because he really knows that humane part of me more than anybody else, even me. He knows that he can change me back into that and I understood that he would go to any and every level to get that old me back. He must have really loved that me. But I am not that. I need to tell him that whatever he would do, that me won't be back. Because he doesn't understand what kind of guilt, pain and disgust I was feeling about myself right then. But I needed to tell him that.

"... You said after hearing you out... You would let me do whatever I want..."

"... Yes."

"... I want to go... Away from here... Away from you."

* * *

It wasn't really shocking, but I could feel my heart tearing itself apart. I needed him, he was my best friend... but he didn't really need me. I wasn't his best friend anymore. It became crystal clear in that moment. My eyes did drop a tear but I controlled the hurricane that came following it.

"... Yes, you can go." I said, without showing any kind of emotion in my voice.

"... Okay." He also said it without any remorse. He sat up for a minute and then slowly stood up. He clearly had no energy left to even stand and by the thought that he might be sick, my hand went into a fist. I wanted to stop him, but I didn't. Because he didn't want to be stopped... He didn't want to be saved, is what I thought. He staggered a couple of times after standing. He then puffed off his clothes a bit and started walking towards steps. He passed me. I didn't budge. I wanted to, I needed to, but I didn't. I felt like he stopped by me for a split second but when I turned my head after a moment, he was gone. He was gone, just like that. Just like that, I had lost him... for a... I don't know for how many times now.

I don't know how much time it took for me to realize how big of a mistake I had just made. I didn't waste even another moment and stood up and ran towards that stairs. What the hell was I doing? I wanted to help him, _save him_, right? Even if he didn't want to, I was going to save him! I need to save him! And that's not for me!

Even if I need him, I am not going to save him for my own benefits or to suppress my own guilt! It's for Bucky, for the Bucky I knew at those times...! The Bucky that saved me from bullies, the Bucky that saved me when first my father and then my mother passed away, the Bucky that saved me during battles, the Bucky who promised to stay with me till the end of the line! I am trying to save the Bucky who still needs to fulfill that promise. I need to save him to keep his word. If he doesn't fulfill it, if he doesn't keep it, I know that he's going to fall apart when he comes to know that... I know that he loved me and still loves me that much! How can't he?! After all we were best friends and we promised to stay so forever!

I ran down the stairs at a speed of two or even three steps at a time. I ran frantically and at my best rate. I took me just a second to get out of the building. I ran towards the main street; I realized that it was already morning. People had already come out of their houses to go on their work and had resumed to their regular days. Some were even looking at me running here and there. I looked at people, through people, but I couldn't see him. The street was totally crowded by now... just like in my dream. But I couldn't see him anywhere... I had lost him completely now... I'll never found him again... never ever again... Why did I ever even waste a-

"Look, you came."

I heard his voice. I felt like my ears were playing games with me, but then I realized that someone was really standing behind me. I turned around as soon as I came to know.

"... I thought you'll ditch me like that again, but you really came this time."

There he was. He still had a little bit anxious but more of tired expression but his voice showed just as much as cockiness it could at that moment.

I slapped on my forehead. It was a little hard but I needed it. I couldn't stop the hurricane from earlier that came by again now. I was crying, standing in front of him, on a street full of people, who now I realize actually must have known me, in such fresh morning. But, still, I...

... I needed to make sure this wasn't a dream again. Because in those dreams, I was always unable to touch him or grab his hand, so I just needed to know if this was really a reality. But I didn't know how to even ask him. But...

"... Can I... grab your hand...?" It was sudden as he took a moment to think and then replied.

"... Sure."

I didn't wait for anything or anyone and went on and grabbed his right hand. I needed this. I needed this so bad. And now I know that he also needs me. He needs me to make him complete that promise. I strengthened my grip, but then I also grabbed it with my another. I have finally found him. I can finally save him now.

"... And I am so sorry for this."

"... Hu-!"

I had apologized for this already so I wasn't guilty at all. I hugged him. I felt his heartbeat rise. I knew he could get a panic attack any time but I couldn't just let him go like that. I was probably squeezing him down because he started heavily breathing again. I needed to let him go soon, so I just decided to take a moment to burn this memory in my mind.

But as I was doing so, I felt two weak and shuddering hands touching my back. Then did I felt like a thousand gazes were on us. But I didn't care about that. My all attention was on those trembling hands. They placed themselves on after a second or two. As I was still working on believing that he really was hugging me back, those hands pressed themselves hard enough to let me know that the answer to my question was... a yes.

And in that moment did I realize that sometimes reality is much more beautiful than the dream could ever be.

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**Thanks for reading though its a bit long! :) Please review if you liked it!**


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